Is it possible to travel too much?

A long-time reader has remarked that I spend far too much time swanning off around the country/world, so this week, rather than regale you with the delights of Deal (which I do hope to slip in at some point, if only because of the faultless service at the The Rose), we’ll focus on something a little closer to home.

I complained vociferously about The Portrait at the National Portrait Gallery, and expected to be as disappointed by Ochre, which is in the same building just off Trafalgar Square, as if the very fabric of the structure could somehow contaminate the atmosphere and food. To be fair, Trafalgar Square is not the place you usually associate with good food: Even what is the London offshoot of what supposed to be one of the finest pizza restaurants on the planet, 50 Kalo, falls flat in its Central London setting, and Little Sicily, which is probably the closest restaurant to Nelson, has an appalling 1.4 star rating on TripAdvisor. Perhaps they are looking to create an authentic 19th Century warship cuisine experience? “I see no chips!”

I was further worried that the latest table we could get was 7.30, and that we would be shuffled noisily out by 8.30, as happened to us at The Portrait.

Well, what do I know?

First off, it is a beautiful space. A tad brown for my liking, but the lighting was extremely good. Also, it was quiet, which is a real luxury in a restaurant these days, aided by lovely high ceilings, and a reasonable absence of patrons (a shame for the restaurant, but a blessing for us). It was not empty, but as you can see, neither was it full. The tables, which look a little more “outdoor cafe” than restaurant, were a bit small, but that is a minor gripe.

Second, and this was a real plus, the set menu was given to us along with the à la carte. We had chosen the restaurant deliberately because the set menu looked very good, and it was available later than the usual pre-theatre meal. These small things really make a difference.

I’ll start with drinks. Our experience here was mixed. I plumped for a Negroni, continuing my journey of cocktail complaints across the country. I could tell the moment it arrived it was not a “real” Negroni, as it was far too light. I commented on this to the waitress who assured me I was just confusing it with a cocktail that had been on the menu over the summer, hard, as this was my first visit. And all I could taste was an overwhelming bitter orange, which overpowered the drink. Honestly not sure what happened there. The menu revealed that the vermouth component was supposed to be Torino Cocchi which is a classic Negroni ingredient, but the colour of the drink was all wrong, as was the taste. I decided to bite my tongue (although that could just have been a reaction to the drink…)

Having carafes of wine is an innovation slowly creeping onto London menus, and it is welcome. Frankly, a whole bottle can be too much, especially for 2 people sharing, and while in some cases it has been introduced for the same reason as the 125ml glass of wine, ie to make the wine seem cheaper, in this case, it did allow for a sharing Rosé aperitif, and overall the wine prices at the lower end weren’t too bad.

However, the presentation of the wine on offer can, it seems, cause some confusion. I promised not to make our dining companions a feature of this review, which I shall honour, especially as they were kind enough to pick up the tab, but I do have to say that one of them (naming no names), really knows their wine, and takes great pleasure in it. So I think they were a little disappointed by the selection of reds on offer. A wine was ordered, which duly arrived, and was not really up to expectation. However, in the meantime, an actual wine list had manifested itself, holding a much greater selection of much better vintages: My friend commented that the wine list we had originally been given was much abridged, and was basically told that most people are too stupid to read a proper wine list, so they give out the one written in crayon that we had. But you know what, they happily took away the bottle we had originally ordered (which is now in someone else’s carafe, bear in mind), and brought us something decent, a very nice 2016 Bordeaux. So a definite gold star there.

This is a tale of two menus.

Three of us had the set menu, and one plumped for the à la carte.

I was very happy with my chicken liver parfait. Bit stingy on the bred, but apart from that, very tasty (not the best ever: For that you have to go to Seville to De La O). Mrs Nigel (who always orders well), had the Caesar Salad, which she thought was brilliantly executed. But one of our companions had the Smoked Salmon at £15 (and the whole set menu for 2 courses was only £28, bear in mind), and I have had to blow up the photo so you can see it. Those are not, I’m afraid, mutant radishes. Instead they give a fair indication of scale. Perhaps the salmon had a daily massage and a private tutor before it was hoiked from the water and smoked, because I can see no other justification for such a paltry portion at that price point.

The à la carte main of Sea Bass was a much better size than its starter counterpart. And was delicious, it is reported. I had the Spelt Risotto, which on paper looks like the culinary equivalent of a hair shirt, but I really enjoyed it. The great surprise was the steak. I mean, would you ever order a set menu steak (Ivy Minute Steak aside, which is inaccurately accurately named as it is minute before it is pounded into the size of a small dinner plate, thus hyper tender)? Both diners (one of whom is a truly great steak aficionado) really enjoyed it. And look at those chips! I don’t do white carbs (a major failing for a “restaurant critic”), but these were irresistible and worth the guilt.

So far things had gone swimmingly. The service was excellent, we had all enjoyed the food and drink, and as is so often when dining with old friends, the conversation just skipped by as did the time. We were all very much looking forward to the puddings, especially as the set menu had cheese as well as sweet things. What joy for fat munchers among us!

Not too far from Ochre, on the very corner of Trafalgar Square, is the worst Tesco Express in the UK. It may be the worst convenience store in the world. It is tiny, poorly laid out, absolutely jam packed full of people, staffed by the least friendly people on the plant, and is clearly a shoplifting magnet, looking at the security in place. And I am pretty sure this is where the kitchen got their ingredients for our third course.

I think that might be algae on the cheese. Or possibly frog spawn. Hard to tell, but as the cheese tasted of nothing , it was hard to tell.

The meringue used for the Pavlova was clearly catering stock, tasteless and brittle, with sweet cherry something dumped on the top of what may have been whipped cream from a can.

You do have to love the coffee though…

All told, it was a really delightful evening, made better by the company, and even leaving the puddings to one side, this is a restaurant worth visiting, certainly for the set menu as it does represent very good value. I’m not sure they advertise it as well as they might, as I am sure many of the people who were having the worst meal of their lives at Little Sicily a few hundred metres away would have loved a night at Ochre. Not sure someone wearing a sandwich board under Nelson Column is quite Ochre’s style, but I’m not sure how long you can run a restaurant in Central London which is at 20% capacity at the weekend.

Conclusion

Overall Rating: 4/5

• Food: 4/5
• Drinks: 4/5
• Service: 4.5/5
• Ambiance: 5/5
• Value: 4/5
• Would we go again? Yes, armed with a Waitrose cheese selection to have on the train home

Ochre: https://www.ochre.london/