You’re kind of setting yourself up if your brand name loosely translates from French as “Bad House”, but to be honest, I wasn’t going to bother with this review, especially as my last one was a hotel, and I felt like there should be a bit more noshing, really.  Mrs Nigel and I were up in town for one night over Easter, enjoying an afternoon of music at St George’s Hanover Square, and we had eaten in plenty of places worth reviewing.  Lunch in Morito (the uber-delicious sibling of Moro, which takes a casual lunch to a new level) and dinner in Caravan, just a few doors up, and arguably one of the best chains in London.

Writing up a quick night in a hotel didn’t really seem worth it, but the utterly bifurcated nature of the stay meant I couldn’t resist it (so the goodies will have to wait).   Malmaison and Hotel du Vin are the same group, and we have had some great Hotel du Vin stays (one very recently in Henley), and some decent Malmaisons as well.  The Malmaison in particular always seems to have good deals, and this one seemed, on the face of it, to be the bargain of the century.  £150 for a night in London over Easter, and not in the worst room. Top HdV/Malmaison tip:  They always offer upgrades of unsold rooms at a good discount, if you don’t mind a slight lottery.  We could have got the top suite for another £75, but as we were really only sleeping in the room, with no time for luxuriating, it didn’t seem worth it.

Charterhouse Square: Grand Entrance, Grim Interior

The hotel is in a beautiful setting in Charterhouse Square, in a grand old building.  It is just a few doors up from the Fox and Anchor (review here), which was £70 more a night. But step through the door, and it’s like you walked into a Travelodge.  It’s weird:  I almost kept stepping in and out of the door, to see if I was being transported into another dimension. 

The lobby is dominated by what looks like a sentient vending machine, which sits broodingly in the corner, until woken by a human master.  It has a great range of snacks, drinks and “stuff”, but its location is totally inappropriate – And its function is not obvious as it is in constant power saving mode, masquerading as a broken TV screen.

And that was the most welcoming part.

Honestly, I think one of us could have caught fire, and the receptionist wouldn’t have cared (maybe pointed the other one to the extinguisher, but we’ll never know).  It was one of the single most charmless interactions I have had at a hotel, and makes me wonder if that part of London is covered by a miasma which renders all who venture into it moody and unhelpful, as it was not overly dissimilar to my Fox and Anchor experience.  I was particularly irritated as she sang along to the muzak in the background while looking up our reservation.

1987 Chelmsford Nightclub: The Bar

Before I move on to the room, let me move downstairs into the bar, as I can’t get away from the truly atrocious job that has been done in refitting the hotel.  Yes, of course, they are looking to give a funky vibe (that is part of their thing), but I can assure you that 1987 Chelmsford night club is not a good look anywhere.  It wasn’t then, and it sure as hell isn’t now.  Coupled with more iffy service at the bar, I wouldn’t have a pre- or after-dinner drink here, but find another local hostelry (Even the Fox and Anchor).  I am going to have to look back on the history of the building, as I can only think it suffered a major fire coupled with a really stingy insurance payout.

On to the room.  It was hard to find, as all of the signs are black on black, which means you either overlook them, or can’t read them.  But the room itself was actually fine.  In some ways, great.

The Room Itself (Actually Fine, in Some Ways Great)

It was about as small as you would want for a night, but not uncomfortably so.  The décor was fresh, and definitely a step up from the Travelodge vibe downstairs (Don’t get me wrong, I like a Travelodge room, for the price.  They are just otherwise totally depressing).  There was a fridge (very useful) some chairs and a desk, as well as tea and coffee making facilities.  Well, I say “coffee”, but what we got was two coffee bags, and anyone who drinks coffee knows that the weak brown liquid left after you remove a coffee bag is anything but the expected brew:  I would have actively preferred Nescafe.  The little biscuits (St Michel Galettes) were top notch.

Oddly, though, the stripped brick look that is so prominent in the photos on the website is actually vinyl or wallpaper.  Not wholly unattractive, but I think there is genuinely brick underneath, which would have been way cooler (next time, I am bringing a chisel)

The bed was very comfortable, but a bit narrow for two people – While it was an ordinary double,  people do expect to spread out a bit when they are away.  Also, it was a little annoying not having any plugs by the bed.  There were 2 USB ports, no doubt the height of sophistication when installed, but they are both USB-A, ie the big ones.  These days, most of my leads are USB-C (for fast charging), so I can’t use them.  It’s a bit like going to a hotel which has a fancy radio with an iPhone Dock that only fits something made 15 years ago.

Heated Mirrors and Scalding Ceilings: The Bathroom

I did like the bathroom for one feature:  A heated mirror.  What great attention to detail.  How often have I got out of the shower and not been able to look at myself in the glass.  I don’t do a lot of grooming (some might agree), but what I do do, does need my reflection.  The rest of the room was fine, although the shower shot scalding hot water up at the ceiling, which then dripped, which shows that the cleaning staff don’t try the taps, and it has a frosted glass door, guaranteed to wake up your companion if you need to turn the light on to go to the loo at night.

The Jumble Sale Library

There was one weird quirk:  Someone had been to a jumble sale and bought a super-random selection of books and stuck them on shelves.  No sense of coherence at all, but worth it for the comic/nostalgic value.

The big question?  Would I go back.  Well, for the price, yes I would.  But not if it were much more expensive, and to be honest, the reason why it was so reasonably priced might be because it is so cheap and nasty outside of the rooms.  We didn’t try the restaurant or the ludicrously priced breakfast, but I suspect I would not have been impressed.  Given that HdV get things so right elsewhere, you’d hope someone might pop in and give this place a kick.  It does need a few quid spent on the common parts, but a smile is generally free.

Conclusion

Overall rating: 3.5/5

• Room: 4.5/5
• Service: 2/5
• Value for money: 4.5/5
• Ambiance: 3/5
• Would we go back?  Blindfolded through the lobby, yes

Malmaison London: https://www.malmaison.com/locations/london/