An Architect Walks Into a Restaurant

If you want a house designed, you use an architect. So I suppose if you want a restaurant recommendation you shouldn’t be too surprised if an architect completely messes it up. I mean I can’t even write my name legibly, let alone design something that would make even the Three Little Pigs collapse in laughter.

The Riding House Incident, and Why I Came Braced

My last restaurant outing with my architect friend was to the Riding House, which was either significantly worse than the last time he was there, or he is completely pants at choosing restaurants. Or possibly he was that pissed he couldn’t remember what the food was like (architects being the last holders of the flame of the City long lunch, it seems) – Hard to know.

So I was a little sceptical when he suggested another favourite of his, Jikoni, on Blandford Street. It has the same Google review rating as the Riding House, which at 4.5 stars told me very little (or maybe it told me a lot about how useless Google reviews are). And I almost got run over by some moron running a red light on my way to the restaurant: It seems that cars have now adopted the same laissez faire attitude to red lights that many London cyclists have, with this one swerving round the guy who had stopped for the red light. Roll on driverless cars and/or the deployment of Police snipers at selected intersections.

The day was sweltering, and I was 15 minutes early, but my friend had beaten me to it, I think having nipped down to the kitchen with a briefcase full of cash and a winning smile (he is very cute, so that might have been the clincher): There was a lot at stake here.

The Pomegranate Negroni Must Be Stopped

Being lunchtime, the Negroni test was not appropriate, but I was already put off by the main cocktail being a “Pomegranate Negroni”. I’m seriously thinking about applying for some sort of DoC or similar name protection for my favourite gin-based cocktail. You’d get thrown in jail if you suggested something was “Pomegranate Champagne”, so why are you allowed to bastardise a Negroni? It’s either gin, vermouth and Campari (a Negroni), or it’s a Pomegranate Cough Drop, or whatever.

75 Aubergines for the Price of a Lamb Chop

The menu divides into the a la carte, which has the full spectrum of ingredients, or a fully vegetarian/vegan set menu: You just know that the chef is sitting there thinking “I can get 75 Aubergines for the price of a lamb chop: No-one will notice my cunning wheeze”. I noticed. And it’s another one of those bloody places where they say “Small Plate/Big Plate” and try to oversell you on the amount of food you need.

So, you’re probably wondering quite how bad the food was, unless, that is, you snuck a peek at my rating, which is cheating a bit. Honestly, it was sublime, I mean really excellent. It hurts my teeth to say it, but my friend chose well. However, there were suspiciously few people in the restaurant for a Friday lunchtime, so it is just possible that he had rented it out, filled it with extras, and brought his own chef in…

Crispy Kale, a Borrowed Scotch Egg and a Sticky Aubergine

I ate off the set menu. The “Crisp Kale Salad” was incredibly crisp. I do love Kale, and often roast it myself in the oven. But this had a very, very light batter on it, and was accompanied by some delicious chutneys and sauce. Light, but perfect for the day. My friend, who can’t walk past an animal without trying to bite a chunk out of it, had the Scotch egg. He very generously let me have half, and with the very spicy banana ketchup (do not knock it unless you have tried it), it was perfect.

You will know from previous reviews that I am usually very keen on the small plates, and less so on the large ones. Well no fear on this one. Keeping to the crispy veg theme, I had the crispy aubergine to follow, and it was delicious. Sticky and crispy: Yum. Because designing buildings is a hard and strenuous job, my friend had to have a “proper” main (I think he is mildly suspicious of my love of vegetables), and went for the Pork Chop. While not as large as some of the Tomahawk pork steaks I recently saw out in Corfu, it was very sizable, and again the sauce accompaniments were spot on. And he let me have some, as I was clearly looking a little faint in the heat, what with my vegetable-only meal and all.

The Peanut That Forced Me to Eat Pudding

I do not eat pudding, which is well known. Cheese, yes, but lumps of sweet sticky stuff after a glorious savoury meal is not my thing. So I demurred on the banana cake pudding, but my friend was insistent that they bring a spare plate and spoon in case I wanted to share. They had been warned I have a peanut allergy (It’s not going to be hard to bump me off if I ever piss a restaurant off too much), and because the banana cake had a tiny biscuit on top that had some peanuts on it, they brought two. So I had to eat it, and it was by no means the worst thing I have ever eaten (if I had an “after” picture, you would agree too).

We had washed all of this down with a very nice bottle of white Rioja, but my friend was clearly angling for a digestif, and tried to get me to have an ex post facto Negroni, specifically the house special Pomegranate thing. I made my excuses on this, but when we explained to the waiter why, he brought me a tiny shot glass of the stuff to try. Honestly, had we started the meal with it, I think I would have walked out. It was a bit like artificially-flavoured pomegranate cough syrup: Ironically, it made me cough, so bad was it.

The Verdict, and a Retsina Threat for Next Time

But that was the only bum note, in an otherwise superb meal. It is a lovely restaurant, airy and welcoming, and the service was superb, friendly and helpful, but not in the least intrusive. Really amazing food, and for where it is in London, not devastatingly expensive.

It’s going to be my turn next, and fortunately my friend has never tasted Retsina before, which apart from being the only wine that you can’t get a hangover from, is devastatingly cheap if you know where to go, so if you have any suggestions on the next venue, let me know. None of this poncy “new” Retsina. I want the stuff that comes in beer bottles and which doubles up a toilet cleaner in a pinch. I might not be able to design buildings, but I certainly know how to enjoy myself…

Conclusion

Overall Rating: 4.5/5

• Drinks: 4/5
• Food: 5/5
• Ambiance: 4.5/5
• Service: 5/5
• Company: 5/5
• Would I go back? I might even pay myself, next time…

Jikoni: https://www.jikonilondon.com/