Portsmouth is not a place you go to, rather it is a place you pass through. You can get ferries and ships to all sorts of exotic places (and the Isle of Wight), but a little like Bilbao, it is not a place you really linger for any period of time. In fact, wherever you go in Portsmouth, there are prominent signs which direct you “Out of CIty”: It is not a good portent at all!

However, if you are the sort of person who when they say they are going to walk the English Coastal Path, you are determined to walk every single inch of it (including a lovely stretch along the M275), then you are going to find yourself in Portsmouth at some point. Somewhat irritatingly, to go the several hundred yards from one side of Portsmouth Harbour to the other (which, let’s face it, is the coastal bit) is a more than 20 mile detour round the whole of the very non-coastal Portsmouth Harbour, through some relatively urban stretches (quite a lot of motorway and A-road adjacent walking). But it is one of the few bits on the South Eastern part of the King Charles III Path we haven’t yet coloured in, so we had a free day and a mild sense of adventure, and decided to drive the 1 1/2 hours from home that it takes by car (far quicker than the train, sadly).

Except on one Saturday a year, which is the Portsmouth Kite Festival! 3 hours it took us. Almost 2 hours to get to the car park we had planned on parking in (which turned out to be the epicentre of the kiting), and another hour or trawling round Portsmouth trying to find somewhere to park. There are an awful lot of “1 hour stay” parking places, I can tell you. More than once, Mrs Nigel had to stop me turning the car around and heading off somewhere else. In the end we did find a parking spot, underneath a multi-storey boat park, of all places.

We had intended originally to walk for an hour or so and then stop for lunch. I was already way past the Hangry Hour, and it was only the intervention of a seat belt that prevented teeth marks on the steering wheel. So we had a quick look on TripAdvisor to find a local cafe, and The Canteen popped up, with good reviews. Quite honestly, I would have taken the 1* Salmonella Truck at this point, which is what I had kind of expected (Mrs Nigel grew up close to Southampton, and they don’t have many nice things to say about Portsmouth in those parts).

The cafe is built into the vaults of the old harbour defences, and so is worth a visit just for that. You can sit in the cafe itself, which is a little claustrophobic given its antecedents, or on the “deck”. We are great lovers of alfresco dining, and so immediately chose the outside option. Pro Tip: Sit by the wall. There are two rows of tables, one of which is by the edge of the water: A great spot, but the actual deck is just a little too close to sea level, and as the majestic ships pass by, you tend to get very involved with their wake. They do warn you, to be fair, but no-one seems to believe the staff until it actually happens… Or wear wellies and a sou’wester: Up to you.

The staff were very friendly and accommodating, and the selection o food, while not huge, was very much what we were looking for on this occasion.

I had the “Summer Plates” Butter Beans, which I really enjoyed. Mrs Nigel went for the BLT, which was good, but she felt had too much mayo on it. And the portions were huge. We could easily have shared one between 2, particularly the sandwich.

I do wonder what their “WInter Plates” are like, though. My dish would have warmed me up outside in zero degree temperatures, and was about as un-summery a dish as I have ever eaten (But it was what I needed at the time!). Price-wise, it’s not the cheapest bite, but the location and the portion size do give some justification. Had the weather been sunny, rather than threatening to rain constantly, it would have been glorious (and probably full as well…)

Anyhow, we set off on our walk, round to Portchester Castle, and got the train back to Portsmouth Harbour. I had hustled Mrs Nigel onto a train (they do not run often), on the promise of a coffee back at The Canteen before we got back into the car. I had certainly subjected her to the highs and lows that the area had to offer at that point.

The door of the cafe was open (this was just after 4pm) and we strolled in to get a caffeine hit before the long drive home. “Sorry, we’re closed”. What amazed me was that there were a lot of people around (some pubs a few hundred yards away were packed, and the beach just by the cafe was very busy), and it was still prime selling time. On the walk back from the station we had passed a number of coffee shops with queues outside. The same sad story of closedness was repeated at the only other cafe on this stretch of water, so maybe there is a local bylaw banning the victualing of tourists in the late afternoon? Any Pompey-dwellers know the answer?

As it happens, we should probably never even have come to The Canteen, as we realised, on reaching Portchester, that we should have parked there and walked the other way (oh how stupid we felt), but I am pleased we did. I got a better impression of Portsmouth than I had beforehand, and while I will no be rushing back, if my ferry is delayed next time I am trying to escape to Spain and parts south, I have a great place to refuel: Unless it is after 4pm!

Conclusion

Overall Rating: 4/5 (should lose a half for early closing)

• Food: 4/5
• Value: 4/5
• Staff: 4/5
• Drinks: 4/5
• Ambiance: 4.5/5
• Would we go back: Yes, if stranded

The Canteen: https://thecanteen.co.uk/