At the end of last summer we hung up our walking boots, vowing never again to walk the coastal path during a British winter. Every year, we pre-book a few weekends away and curse ourselves for somehow choosing the rainiest/windiest/coldest (delete as applicable) weekend in human history. A day in Dungeness last February really was the final straw…

So, we didn’t quite keep our self-promise, but at least we waited until the very last moment to book a night in Emsworth, hoping that the forecast of sun and no wind would hold. And it did, in spades. It is a beautiful stretch of coast (notwithstanding its proximity to Portsmouth, which has some extremely grungy coast), and allowed us to fill in a portion of the English Coastal Path that we hadn’t yet managed, so now we have pretty much done Ramsgate to Lyme Regis.

We chose the hotel mainly on its TripAdvisor rating as number 1 in Emsworth, but that is 1 of 3, so you can’t always be 100% sure. And it is one of those places that insists on giving twee descriptions to its room categories (“Snug”, “Comfy”, “Fancy”, “Really Fancy”), which really puts me off: I’d like a proper description on the website and a square footage, as I think my idea of “Fancy” might be quite different to the hotel’s marketing department.

The Ropemaker does not have kerb appeal. If hotels get reincarnated when they die, this was a Harvester in a former life. There are signs everywhere warning you to register your car details, with very strict time limits for how long you can park, even as a paying customer. It is in a great location for restarting the Coastal Path, so they must have had problems, but it is a little intrusive.

Reception is manned 24/7 and even though we turned up at 10.30 in the morning, there was no issue taking our bags and storing them, and when we returned from a day’s walking, they had been put in our room.

We went for a “Fancy” room on grounds of cost (“Really Fancy” seemed a little indulgent for a last minute escape after Xmas), and for the most part we were really pleased. We had expected bathrobes (there was some confusion on the website on this point), and the bath/shower arrangement was a little tricky requiring almost Yogic flexibility to maneuver into the bath, but the room was lovely. Very comfortable and big bed, some nice small cake things (although the allergens were not well labeled so I had to give them a miss: Making Mrs Nigel v happy). And a lovely handwritten note of welcome. Proper milk, enough tea and coffee, and good lights by the bed. 9 1/2 out of 10 (Needs bathrobes!).

If you are a skinflint and didn’t pack your bottle of Prosecco, there is a Londis 2 minutes’ walk away, with reasonably priced booze, although, as ever, had there been some decently priced drinks in the fridge, I would much rather have had those (Baby, it was cold outside).

I’d love to be able to stop the review here, give the hotel a great rating for the amazing service and room, and recommend it highly to anyone who is walking in the area.

But I can’t, as I need to come on to the food situation.

I mentioned above its potential Harvester antecedents, and they showed in a big way in the dining room. For a start, it is large and somewhat cavernous, and not that welcoming. And because it is only in Emsworth due to what feels like an administrative error, it is a long way from any other restaurants, so it really is the only game in town.

Gordon Ramsay used to go into restaurants, swear at everyone, and then rip their menus – Not as a hobby, but in his role as a restaurant saviour on KItchen Nightmares (although I suspect he does it for fun still anyway). One of the things he impressed upon restaurateurs is that you cannot support a long and extensive menu. Stick to basics, and do them well. Ropemaker, you could learn from this.

First, let me say, the service was very pleasant. A bit slow, but pleasant.

We opted for some aperitifs. The Cremant, while listed, was unavailable, and my Negroni was rather sweet. The olives were actually quite nice.

We had wanted the Vegetarian Board for our starter (Mrs Nigel uncharacteristically rejecting all of the starters). The lovely waitress came back and said we couldn’t have it, because it contained peanuts. Kind of hard to see where, but she couldn’t tell us which of the ingredients was the culprit, so we couldn’t substitute it out: Very lazy allergy menu.

Mrs Nigel had the cheese souffle, against her better judgment – She had a lifetime’s supply of them as a child as her mother insisted it was the accompaniment to every Sunday roast (back when everyone had a roast every Sunday). I actually thought the cheese sauce with it was quite tasty, but the souffle itself had been baked to within an inch of its life, resuscitated, and then baked again and again until it was well and truly dead. Mrs Nigel knows what a cheese souffle is supposed to be like (crispy on the outside, beautifully soft in the middle), and this was not it. I think it was a Yorkshire pudding in disguise.

But actually, she won. I had the sausage, which ended up being a bit like a not very tasty, deconstructed English Breakfast, with salad. Not good.

Moving on to mains, Mrs N had the Pork Tomahawk, which she had been looking forward to, having had a great one this time last year in the New Forest at the The Huntsman. This one was adequately tasty, but tough. I had the sirloin steak, which contrary to expectation, was very good, although the pepper sauce was, even for someone who loves peppery, spicy food, far too peppery. I suspect if they had done Fish and Chips, rather than the rather chi-chi stuff they were trying to do, it would have been pretty good. We did order some Hispi Cabbage as well, but that did not arrive…

After a slow start, things had all happened rather quickly. So to extend the meal, we decided to have a cheese board, and I got the free glass of house red that I was entitled to by signing up for the hotel’s “Treats” app. It was not a treat, I can tell you. There is not much I won’t drink, but had there been a handy plant pot, I would have poured the wine in, closely followed by the cheese board, on which only the goat’s cheese registered as passable.

It was clear at this point that we were required to leave. There was a lot of noisy clearing up going on around us, so we decamped to the bar. It was quite cosy sitting at a table (which needed a wipe and clearing) by the log burner, but within about 10 minutes the bar staff were loudly walking round tidying up for the night, chatting loudly and one of them actually singing: They appeared more drunk than the few remaining guests.

After a good night’s sleep, we descended for breakfast, which finished slightly early for a Saturday at 10am. I had left my special, branny breakfast at home by accident, so was free to indulge myself in a Full English: God, I wish I hadn’t. The sausage was hot, but the rest of it was stone cold. And the black pudding was inedible, cut far too thin and overfryed. Mrs Nigel had yoghurt and some sort of oats, and even after a hearty breakfast, there were enough left to feed a field of horses (the picture below is the after!).

The Heartwood people (The Ropemaker is part of a chain) are clearly very nice people. They have also clearly stayed in a lot of Young’s pubs, because the room decor was startlingly similar, down to the fake newspaper. Young’s food is generally excellent, so I hope they go and eat in a few Young’s pubs as well as stay in them. But the restaurant seemed pretty full, so maybe this is all you need to offer in Outer Emsworth to keep the public satisfied: It’s a shame, but then what do you expect from a Ropemaker? A lot of things are going to be ropey.

Conclusion

Overall Rating: 4/5

• Hotel Rating: 5/5
• Hotel Service: 5/5
• Hotel Ambiance: 3/5
• Hotel Value: 4.5/5
• Restaurant Rating: 3/5
• Restaurant Service: 4/5
• Restaurant Value: 3/5
• Restaurant Ambiance: 3/5

The Ropemaker: https://ropemakeremsworth.com/