I have been going to the Almyra on and off for 18 years. We worked out on this trip that we have never stayed in a hotel more than we have stayed at the Almyra. But again, the “Never go back” curse of Nigel Noshes strikes back, because there is something definitely rotten in the state of Cyprus…

Why would you want to stay at the Almyra? From our perspective, just the design has a great allure. It has a beautiful, sleek and timeless modern design, whitewashed walls and a great location near the harbour. It is certainly not the cheapest option along this stretch of coast, but it sells itself as a 5* luxury experience, which in the past it has been. The absolute best bit, though, is the Adults only area, with its own infinity pool and bar, which has to be one of the most relaxing spots on the planet: For us, this is the reason we come.

Things began badly. The Almyra’s check-in procedure has always been a little irritating. When you get off a 5 hour flight from London, you want to be in the pool as quickly as humanly possible. But you have to sit down and be force-fed a drink, while all of the formalities are gone through, and this can take a lot of (unnecessary) time. I get the “luxury” feel, but these days, most hotels have gathered all of the necessary info (including passports) before you even arrive, and can often issue a Digital Key.

But that is not my real beef, here. The problem was that the Adults Area was closed. Now, things break down, sure, but I do not understand why travellers were not notified beforehand. For us, this is a critical part of the holiday, and we would have found somewhere else (and even though it was Easter there was a lot of availability). Trust me, you do not want to be sitting next to an Almyra Pool when the under-eights are in full cry (unless you are an owner of an under-eight, and even then you don’t *want* to be there…)

We had been told the rooms we were going to get before we arrived. We have stayed in them before and were very happy. But no, we were shown to two completely different rooms. And no hint of an upgrade: The Almyra is now a part of the Marriott network, but my “Gold Elite” status meant seemingly nothing. In fact, they managed to lose my membership number twice, and I’m still waiting for the points.

We like a game of cards as a family, so in the evenings, we sat in the bar with a drink and Canasta’d the night away. Our favourite table was quite close to reception, and what became clear was that the hotel was in absolute chaos. Every single night, people were arriving and complaining that they had not been given the rooms they had booked, often people with children who had booked inter-connecting or adjacent rooms. In a sense heartening after our arrival experience and also mildly entertaining, especially when I tried to help someone, in my very schoolboy French, to track down the manager (The person I was helping was French, at least I think so).

At almost every level in the hotel, service is down, and prices are up. Coffee is now 6 Euros (almost doubled in price), and on one occasion this is what we got:

And a litre of water costs about the same, all imported. At one point in the past, you could get local water in the hotel at a reasonable price, but now, that option has gone. So don’t go in the height of summer, especially with thirsty young children, unless you have taken out a second mortgage, or have a second (well-paying) job.

On our last stay (also a week in duration), we managed to not leave the hotel at all, apart from going over the road to the mini-market. The food and service were excellent: Lunch in Notios (by the pool), and dinner in the buffet or down by the beach in the Ouzeri. On this visit, we ate out for almost 3/4 of our meals (Losing the hotel hundreds and hundreds of euros)

A quick rundown on the why:

1. Buffet: Used to the be the highlight of the holiday. The selection is now sparser and overall not as good (Mexican night twice in a week?!), but there was an almost complete refusal to allow people to eat outside. It was also not always replenished as quickly as it should (although when asked, the kitchen staff were great). The dining room is loud, over-lit and oppressive, and the point of being on holiday is to enjoy the outdoors. Yes, it was a little chilly this year in early April (we had jumpers in anticipation), but we are British, for goodness sake, and are built to enjoy alfresco dining in the snow. If you are paying 5* prices in a 5* hotel, you expect 5* treatment. It was more Yugotours, 1974. Worse still, the hotel was happy to take money from people downstairs in the open-air Ouzeri, while refusing open-air service upstairs.
2. Notios: We really used to love this place. Not only has the quality of the food gone downhill sharply (the chicken “burger” was pretty inedible), but a number of family favourites have disappeared, like the Club Sandwich (surely a classic?) and the Tacos. You get great bread at breakfast (the one meal not yet affected by the rot), and UPF bread at lunch. And it ain’t cheap.
3. Ouzeri: This was a big hit when it opened. Down on the beach, outdoor dining and authentic Cypriot cuisine. Irritatingly (but not surprisingly) not included in the half-board allowance, but great tasting and reasonable value local food. Enough things have slipped for this not to be the slam dunk meal out that it used to be. The food is just not as good, and the portions seems slimmer than before. Service is a bit patchy (we had quite an aggressive greeting on the first until it became obvious we had booked from the hotel and were returners). Also, the mezze has disappeared from the menu, which was a great value way of enjoying what the restaurant has to offer.

Instead, we had a number of good meals within walking distance in town, with a particular shout out to Ta Mpania, where we enjoyed excellent (outdoor) mezze (far too much food), and some amazing music (if you like disco). Unfortunately they have a “feature” ceiling, which is all flashing lights synced to the music, so at some point in the evening they always play crap EDM which is enough to set a migraine off.

Two other places to try (which we didn’t as they are a short taxi ride away and we really can be that lazy on holiday) are 7 St Georges and Koutourou Ouzeri

There were some positives, and usually this would be where I would encourage you to at least try the Almyra and see if I was just unlucky. But we’re not there yet, because we have to talk about the olive tree…

The weather was not as great as it should have been while we were there. Quite a lot of sun, but it was very windy some of the time, and rainy when it wasn’t windy. Weather Underground made me feel a little better to see that his was unusual (and we have been to Ayia Napa at a similar time of year with no issue).

If you have been to the Almyra, it has a couple of standout features. A very “architectural” pool, mainly used by kids, and two huge olive trees by said pool. In the summer, when it is super hot, a huge shade is drawn across the pool to keep it cooler for the young people bathing.

Olive trees are notoriously shallow rooted. So it is perhaps a little surprising that the pool shade was attached at one end to the achingly cool pool surround, and on the other to the olive tree. Throw in 20 years of use and a storm, and you get this:

We (and many other residents) had walked under that tree a few minutes before on the way out of the hotel for dinner. Punishment for shunning the buffet, perhaps? In all seriousness, it was an accident waiting to happen, and just a few hours earlier the pool was full of young children: Someone could have died.

So, is there anything actually any good about the Almyra? Some of the issues will have gone away later in the season. The buffet will open outdoors and the Adults area will be fully open (hopefully with the bar staffed, which is wasn’t even though the Adults pool did finally reopen at the end of the week). There is still one more large olive tree, so maybe don’t sit too close to that.

The rooms are fantastic. They were refurbished a few years ago, but are getting a bit tired (handles falling off, and shower heads that shoot in 100 directions). But they are airy and spacious, and it is worth getting a terrace, even an “inland” view, but make sure you ask to be away from the playground. There is the continued stupidity of a door that opens into the hallway, which can’t be closed if you are rummaging through your sock drawer, much to the irritation of anyone else in the room!

Some of the service is superb. Some less so. The regular barman (Dragos) in the main Helios bar in the evening is an absolute superstar, and was completely unflappable. His replacement on his nights off was really very poor by comparison, and it was taking almost 30 minutes to get any drinks out. The bar itself was not actually much of a haven, with kids running up and down, and some of them playing football in the lobby, unchecked by staff. Added to that the regular string of disgruntled arrivals, and it was quite a melee!

In the restaurant, some of the longer term staff cannot do enough for you, and are always pleasant and helpful. But in the hotel as a whole, there seems to be have been a change in management, and it has shifted the whole feel of the hotel. It now seems to be run with a penny-pinching attitude, and solely for the benefit of the staff, and not for the customers. As a hotel which professes to be one of the finest in the Mediterranean, it needs a good kick up the bum, and a reminder that the customer is always right. Attention To Detail is now the exception not the norm.

My closing remark to the hotel is this. The Almyra used to be a complete no-brainer for an out-of-season, warm weather break. But standards are slipping, and the hotel seems completely unable to cope with even the smallest drop in temperature or hint of rain. And it is literally falling apart, as we saw in the Adults area and by the main pool. I spoke to a number of colleagues about my upcoming holiday, and several of them said “Oh we go to Paphos, and we go to the Elysium”. I have to say, after this trip, I am thinking of trying there next time, ending an 18 year love affair the Almyra.

It is very hard to win repeat customers, and super easy to lose them…

Conclusion

Overall rating: 4/5

• Rooms: 4.5/5
• Service: 3/5 (very much an average of great on the one hand and terrible on the other)
• Food: 3.5/5
• Ambiance: 4/5
• Value for money: 3.5/5
• Would we go again: 4/5

Almyra: https://www.almyra.com/